InYo:
Journal of Alternative Perspectives Mar 2003
Secret Traditions of the Ancient Japanese Martial
Arts: Chúnen Butori Ryú Hiketsu o Tsutaeru
Copyright © 2003 EJMAS. All rights reserved.
Literally, "initiate into the mysteries of the art of Middle-aged
Potbelly System," but really, nothing more than a longwinded list of things
expected from middle-aged fat folks who pretend they still do martial arts.
Mokuroku
(Catalogue of techniques)
Dono michi o itte-mo eki-ni-demasu (Whatever road you take, you will
come to the station)
Shoden
(Initial transmissions)
-
Tsurui-ai-no-tore nai no koto (Off balance)
-
Battari-do no koto (Fall with a thud)
-
Hageru no koto; san-bon (Lose hair)
-
Niku-ga-tsuku no koto (Gain weight)
-
Hora wo fuku no koto (Tell tall tales)
-
Hara-no-naka-de-warau no koto (Laugh at people behind their backs)
Six-pack abs
Himitsu
(Initial secret transmissions)
-
Seido-fumi-hazusu no koto (Stray from the right path)
-
Nou nashi taka wa tsume wo dasu no koto (Show off and brag without justification)
-
Hageruakasu no koto (Dodge questions)
In the dojo
Chuden
(Intermediate transmissions)
-
Iki-gire no koto (Shortness of breath)
-
Hageru no koto (Become bald)
-
Ude-ga-ochiru no koto (Fall off in ability)
-
Wara-nagara no koto (Flatter oneself)
-
Kane-o-segamu no koto (Pester for money)
Unauthorized equipment for officials
Himitsu
(Intermediate secret transmissions)
-
Uwasa o hiromeru no koto (Spread rumors; oral transmission)
-
Kijo no burosheeto no koto (Academic BS; oral transmission)
-
Sora toboke wo suru no koto (When in doubt, act clueless)
-
Gomakashi no koto (Muddy the waters, obfuscate)
Never-before-revealed delayed death touch chart
Okuden
(Advanced transmissions)
-
Miru kage no mai no koto (Become a mere shadow of one’s former self)
-
Haji wo sarasu no koto (Humiliate oneself)
-
Rensen-rempai-suru no koto (Be defeated every time)
Secret hand sign of the Masters
Chúnen Butori Ryú Go-rin no sho
Literally, "the Middle-aged Potbelly System’s Book of Five Spheres,"
the following are skills needed to achieve very high ranks in Chúnen
Butori Ryú, or Middle-Age Fat Folks’ Style. (Any resemblance to
the policies and practices of any organizations associated with national
or international sport is purely coincidental.)
Yama Bu-Shi
(The pile of Bu-Shi)
-
Kane-no-chikara-ni nabiku (Bow to the money)
-
Hana no shita wo nagaku suru no koto (Become lecherous)
-
Uwa-yaku-ni-tori-iru no koto (Ingratiate with superiors)
-
Waraai-mono-ni-naru no koto (Become a laughingstock)
Yama Bu-Shi no Himitsu
(Secret teachings of the pile of Bu-Shi)
-
Kankei o tachi-kiru (Cut off relationships)
-
Aji-no-nai no koto (Become insipid)
-
Uwa-zuru no koto (Ring false)
-
Tengan-suru no koto (Apply whitewash)
-
Goma wo suru no koto (Suck up)
-
Reigu-sura no koto (Treat others coldly)
Black belts to go
Tengu
(Literally "the mountain goblin," but more colloquially translated
as someone with his nose in the air; e.g., an egotist)
-
Gorin no sho (To ascend these Olympian heights, one must demonstrate mastery
of the Way of the Five Rings, namely bribery, collusion, lying, cheating,
and stealing.)
Tengu no Himitsu
(The egotist’s secrets)
-
Yowai-mono-ijeme-o-suru no koto (Bully the weak)
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Hito-no-nasake-ni-sugaru no koto (Beg for mercy)
-
Kamo-ni-suru no koto (Make a sucker)
-
Kane-de-sugu-ugoku no koto (Easily bribed)
-
Tsumi o kakusu no koto (Conceal one’s guilt)
-
Shutai no koto (Shameful conduct)
-
Tsukai-komi no koto (Embezzlement)
-
No o kegasu kata no koto (Soil one’s reputation)
Cleaning up the Bu-Shi
Copies of these rules printed on quality paper and suitable for
presentation to Grandmasters are available for purchase, as are additional
Middle-aged Fat Folk paraphernalia. Write jsvinth@ejmas.com
for availability and details.
(unidentified student of the art, captured by hidden camera)